The stage in life where you stop working and start receiving financial support is often regarded as the retirement stage. For some people, it is a break from the stress of working life and for others, it is an adjustment of time and even boredom. Whatever retirement means to you should bring laughter and peace.
Here are 50 Funny Retirement Quotes to Check Out
1. “He who laughs last at the boss’s jokes probably isn’t far from retirement.”
2. “My retirement plan is to buy a rocking chair with a built-in margarita dispenser.” – Jimmy Buffett
3. “I’m so retired, I don’t even know what day it is. Is it Tuesday? No, wait, is it wine o’clock?”
4. “Retirement is when you stop working and start doing all the things you said you would do when you had time.”
5. “I’m not lazy, I’m just highly trained in the art of doing nothing.”
6. “My coworkers are like family. A dysfunctional, annoying family I can finally escape.”
7. “Retirement is proof that you can design your own life.” – Katherine Graham
8. “I used to dream of retiring. Now I dream of naptime.”
9. “My boss told me to retire because I was bringing down the average age. I told him, ‘Challenge accepted!”
10. “Retirement is finally catching up on all the sleep you lost during those all-nighters in the office.”
11. “Retirement is not the end of the road, it’s the beginning of a highway with no exit.”
12. “Wrinkles are like battle scars. Each one tells a story.”
13. “Age is just a number. Maturity is optional.” – Rita Rudner
14. “Retirement is when you can finally afford to buy all the toys you didn’t get as a kid.”
15. “Don’t retire from something, retire to something.”
16. “I’m so retired, I can’t even remember my boss’s name. Wait, was it Steve or Kevin?”
17. “My retirement plan is to become a professional napper. I’m already qualified.”
18. “I used to be addicted to soap. But I’m clean now.” – Rodney Dangerfield
19. “Retirement is when you stop saying ‘I wish I had time for that’ and start saying ‘I’m doing that right now.'” – Unknown
20. “I’m not retired, I’m just on permanent vacation.”
21. “My retirement plan: nap, snacks, repeat.”
22. “My colleagues thought I was kidding when I said I was retiring to become a professional napper. Guess who’s laughing now? (Me, in my PJs at 10 am.)
23. “Alarm clock? What alarm clock? I only wake up to the symphony of birdsong now.”
24. “I’m not retired, I’m professionally vacationing. And my boss is my inner child, who’s very chill with endless ice cream breaks.”
25. “My to-do list for retirement: 1. Relax. 2. Repeat step 1. 3. Maybe learn to juggle, but only if I feel like it.
26. “My productivity has drastically decreased since retirement. But my happiness? Through the roof!”
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27. “They say retirement is the golden years. Mine are more like the sparkly glitter years, full of leisure and whimsy.”
28. “I finally understand why my grandparents were always yelling at the TV about the news. Now I’m yelling about the weatherman not predicting enough sunshine for nap-taking.”
29. “My retirement motto: “If it doesn’t involve sunshine, naps, or delicious food, I’m not interested.”
30. “I used to dream of winning the lottery. Now I dream of finding the perfect parking spot at the grocery store on a Tuesday afternoon. Ah, retirement bliss.”
31. “My office now has four walls, a comfy couch, and a constant supply of coffee. No dress code, either. Pajamas all day, every day!”
32. “My biggest accomplishment in retirement? Successfully training my cat to open the fridge for me. Now if only I could train them to bring the wine.”
33. “To all the younglings still slaving away: don’t worry, someday you too will get to spend your days arguing with the thermostat and judging everyone’s shoes. It’s glorious.”
34. “My retirement advice: find your own brand of weird, embrace it, and never apologize for it. The world needs more happy weirdos, trust me.’
35.”Retirement isn’t the end of your life, it’s the beginning of the grand finale. So grab your glitter, crank up the music, and dance like nobody’s watching (because they probably aren’t, you’re retired!)
36. “He who laughs last at the boss’s jokes probably isn’t far from retirement.”
37. “Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it to the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money.” — Jonathan Clements
38. “You’re finally retired, so you can finally be the ‘morning person’ you always pretended to be on Zoom… or not. Your call.”
39. “I would say call me and we will grab lunch, but I might be too jealous for that.”
40. “Super jealous you are retiring. Now you are definitely going to beat me at golf.”
41. “Retirement is like a firmware update for your life. Everything runs smoother.”
42. “Retirement is a blank sheet of paper. It is a chance to redesign your life into something new and different.” ~ Patrick Foley
43. “Don’t simply retire from something; have something to retire to.” ~ Harry Emerson Fosdick
44. “Retirement is not in my vocabulary. They aren’t going to get rid of me that way.” ~ Betty White
45. “Retirement: That’s when you return from work one day and say, ‘Hi, Honey, I’m home—forever.'” –Gene Perret
46. “And in the end it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.” –Abraham Lincoln
47. “I see retirement as just another of these reinventions, another chance to do new things and be a new version of myself.” –Walt Mossberg
48. “When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch.” –R.C. Sheriff
49. “When a man retires, his wife gets twice as much husband for half as much money.” –Chi Chi Rodriguez
50. “I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three or four times a day.” –Gene Perret
